Acceptance Of Self And Differentiation

Each individual is separate and different from the other.

Eric Bowers has written a book, Meet Me in Hard-to-Love Places: The Heart and Science of Relationship Success. He shared a small section of it with THE CENTER FOR NONVIOLENT COMMUNICATION, in a blog post. As part of its work, the Center provides training in nonviolent communication to professionals in a variety of settings, or on an individual basis.

Mr. Bowers discussed differentiation, a process that for adults means that each individual - "is separate and different from the other, has their own needs and emotions, has their own preferences and dreams, has their own character and truth, has their own 'yes' and their own 'no', is autonomous and takes responsibility for choices and actions, is not responsible for the needs and emotions of the other."



Differentiation goes on for a person's entire life, as the individual continues to refine whom he/she is. That enables the person to stretch out and reach for more of his/her potential, making life richer as it unfolds.This process can also be referred to as individuation.

Also, as individuals grow into adults, they have developed parts of themselves which are hidden, that are disowned, because in childhood, their parental figures have not accepted or loved those parts of self. But unless the adult comes to terms, reincorporates, and makes peace with that part of self, that piece becomes projected onto others.

Those buried pieces don't stay buried. People usually make judgments about those aspects, condemning, loathing, being ashamed, even denying their existence. When we project those qualities onto others, the judgment of those aspects of self are often part of the projection - becoming condemnation, rejection towards what is seen in the other.

Thus, any aspect of yourself that was not allowed to be expressed when you were a child becomes disowned. It is useful and helpful for you to examine which parts of yourself that you have rejected. Mr. Bowers looks at some of the emotions that can become disowned. They fall into such areas as strong emotions, vulnerable emotions, masculine or feminine traits.

When these aspects of self become disowned, the person tends to develop compensating emotions and traits, such as perfectionism, to hide vulnerability. The process of compensation often takes a trait or emotion that was supported and acceptable and over-expresses it. These adaptations help the child deal with the loss of these pieces that haven't been loved or accepted.

Within relationships, projection becomes transference, that is, aspects of the parental relationship becomes projected onto adult relationships. Again, the process of overcompensation may have you actually rejecting your own needs in the rush, for instance, to take care of everyone else's needs. However, at the relationship level, the original issue of feeling one's needs aren't met becomes what the person ends up doing to self.

How do you know that you are projecting rejected parts of yourself or expressing old relationship dynamics in current relationships? There are some clues. For instance, you notice that you become upset or shut down, you can't converse with someone else about your own feelings and needs, or you can't empathize with another person's feelings and needs, The stronger your reaction, the more likely that you are projecting, or engaged in transference.

If you are unable to build a relationship with your rejected parts, then they will continue to haunt you, leaving you unable to fulfill your potential or have satisfying relationships. On the other hand, if both you and your other are building a relationship with those disowned parts, then both of you are able to confront difficulties with greater empathy and awareness.

Thanks for information from this blog post by Eric Bowers on The Center For Nonviolent Communication: http://www.cnvc.org/blog/2016/10/06/devil-differentiation; and the above link.

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